Freelance writing is hard

Sometimes I wonder how long I can continue to fool myself into thinking that I am self-disciplined enough to do this freelance thing.

I'm a good faker.

I had a... um.... mild breakdown after experiencing another week of slow work. I was caught feeling guilty for not working as hard as Clint, for making even less cash than usual while not cutting back enough on my spending, and wondering whether I had made the wrong decision altogether to do this job. 

I mean, do I need to change career directions again?

There's no clear cut answer most of the time and it seems that I have more growing up to do than I ever thought.  I am NOT patient, I do NOT have nearly enough faith, and I do NOT know what my purpose is in life. 

Sound like the life of a 13-year-old? (It's okay to say yes.  I already have.)

But, to be honest, I am somewhat even less self-assured than many of the13-year-old girls in my darling Beehive class. Sometimes I realize that as a kid with the whole world in front of me, I had a sort of magical confidence that I don't have as an adult.  I mean I could have done anything from painting masterpieces to writing novels to playing professional sports to traveling the world...

Not that I always wanted such glamorous professions, but the point stands: the world was mine for the having. 

And now I'm 27. Graduated from college and still not sure where I'm supposed to "end up."

I'm not really trying to be depressing here. I'm just saying some of the things that have been on my mind.  It's actually a positive reflection, because I can at this point of my life say that I am pursuing a talent that I have always wanted to...

Writing.

I went to a new optometrist today to renew my contact lense prescription and had to fill in my new address and such. Under "occupation," I felt a girlish thrill at my hand spelling out, "Self-empoyed Writer." 

And yes, I used a capital W.  Thank you very much.

I'm lucky to be a writer, and I'm especially lucky to have a husband who is patient and faithful and reassuring of my positive influences, so that he can get me through phases of forgetting how lucky I am to be a writer.

And also so that I can feel silly about myself the next day when I suddenly get a whole bunch of new articles to write. So many articles, in fact, that I will be at this computer again tomorrow morning.

Just... how 'bout that.